The digitized version of the original manuscript can be seen at the CNN site (PDF, starts on page 84). Here I used the transcript typed originally by Sean C., as it appears here. I did my best to correct it but, just as Sean, I preserved all the typos and the sentence structure of the original manuscript. In order to improve readability, I used the following notation to augment the text:
[Square brackets] indicate emendations and clarifications. Emendations indicate my best guess at a hopelessly misspelled or unintelligible word or phrase; they appear right after the problematic spelling, which itself is preserved. Clarifications are provided to expand acronyms, etc.
[Bold square brackets] indicate the phrase which was censored by the law officials. Most of the time they will read [censored], but on rare occasions I took a stab at it and tried to guess the words. Since my guesses were bound to be highly unreliable, I did not put any directed effort into this. Sometimes a word would jump out at me, so to speak. Most of the censored words seem to be proper names, and I made no attempt to guess those, although other people have tried.
[Christians] was my first and immediate guess and I decided to stick with it. It goes well with the context, especially if we presume that the passage was influenced by Nietzsche. However, it could very likely be a family name. Yet another option is "Catholics" (Eric was raised Catholic), but that is very unlikely because of Nietzsche, who nearly always attributes the said things to Christians.
[Antichrist] was not my first guess, but it makes more sense to me in the retrospect. This omission is actually very misterious. It is almost certainly not a name of a community member, but a phrase or word describing a method, a person, or an event pertaining to the mass destruction of the Human species. My first guess was "Apocalypse", but I decided in favour of "Antichrist" because of Nietzsche and the following reference to a "fuckhead holding the map". Even less likely are "holocaust" (direct references to it were not wiped out elsewhere), "Bush" (even "G.W. Bush" is too short to fill the rectangle), and "nuclear war" (genocide and nuking are praised several times without being censored). This is all very misterious because neither of these warrants censoring, in my view (and neither do "Christians"). If I am right, however, about the officials removing Christian themes--which never appear in the rest of the text--then both guesses make perfect sense.
I am spending a lot of space on this analysis, but I really regard it as a fun puzzle which is more interesting to flip around than to solve. Whatever is behind these black rectangles cannot be more shocking than the rest of the story.
I hate the fucking world, to many god damn fuckers it in. To many thoughts about societies all wrapped up together in this place called AMERICA. Everyone has their own god damn opinion on every damn thing and you maybe saying "well what makes you so different?" because I have something only me and V [Vodka, Dylan Klebold] have, SELF AWARENESS. Call it exortenstiolism [existentialism] or whatever the fuck u want, we know what we are to this world and what everyone else is. We learn more than what caused the wild war and how to simplify quadratic in school. We have been watching you people we know what you think and how you act all talk and no actions. People who are said to be brave or couragous are usually just STUPID. then they say later that they did it on purpose cause they are brave when they did on feuding [fucking] accident. GOD everything is so corrupt and so filled with opinions and points of view and people's own little agendas and schedules. This isnt a world anymore its H.O.E. [Hell On Earth] and one knows et. self awareness is a wonderful thing. I know I will die soon, so will you and everyone else. Maybe will we be lucky and a comet will smash us back to day 1. people say it is immoral to follow others, they say be a leader, well here is a fuckin news flash for you stupid shits, everyone is a follower! Everyone who says they arent a follower and then dresses diff or acts diff.... they got that from something, they saw on TV or in film or in life. No originality, how many YO MAMMA jokes are there and how many do u think are original and not copied. KEINE. [NONE -Ger] It's a fucking fitting place we live in - all these standards and laws and great expectations (-webb) are making people into robots even though they might "think" they arent and try to deny it. No matter how hard they try to NOT copy someone. I still AM! except for this fucking piece of papers right here, and B.T.W spelling is stupid unless I say, spell it how it sounds, it's the fuckin easiest way. Hey try this sometime, when someone tells you something, ask "why?" eventually they will be stumped and cant answer anymore. Thats because they only know what they need to know in society and school, not real life science. They will end up saying words to this "because! Just shut up!" people that only know stupid facts that arent important should be shot. What fucking use are they. NATURAL SELECTION. KILL all retards, people w/ brain fuck ups, drug adicts, people who cant figure out to use a fucking light. GEEEAWD! People spend millions on saving the lives of retards, and why. I don't buy that shit like, "oh hes my son though!" so the fuck what, he aint normal, kill him. put him out this misery. "But he is worth the time, he is human too" no he aint, if he was then he would swalow a bullet cause he would realize what a fucking burden he was. -4/10/98
as I said before, self awareness is a wonderful thing. I know
what all you fuckers are thinking and what to do to piss you off and
make you feel bad. I always try to be different, but I always end up
copying someone else, I try to be a mixture of different things and
styles but when I step out of myself I end up looking like others or
others THINK I am copying. One big fucking problem Is people telling
me what to fuckin do, think, say, act, and everything else. ill do
what you say IF I feel like it. But people (IE parents, cops, bad
teachers) telling me what to just makes me not want to fucking do
it! thats why my fucking name is REB!!! no one is worthy of shit
unless I say they are, I feel like GOD and I wish I was having
everyone being OFFICIALLY lower than me. I already know that I am
higher than almost anyone in the fucking Welt [World -Ger] in terms
of universal Intelligence. and where we stand in the universe
compared to the rest of the UNIV. and if you think I dont know what
Im talking about then you can just "BUCK DICH" and saugen mein Hund!
[suck my dog] Isnt america supposed to be the land of the free? how
come, If im free I cant deprive a stupid fucking dumbshit from his
possessions If he leaves them sitting in the front seat of his
fucking van out in plain sight and in the middle of fucking nowhere
on a Frifuckingday night. NATURAL SELECTION. fucker should be
shot. same thing with all those rich snotty toadies at my
school. fuckers think they are higher than me and everyone else with
all their $ just because they were born into it? Ich denk NEIN. [I
think not. -Ger] BTW, "sorry" is just a word, it doesnt mean SHIT to
me. everyone should be put to a test. an ULTIMATE DOOM test, see
who can survive in an environtment using only smarts and military
skills. [Doom] put
them in a doom world, no authority, no refuge, no BS copout
excuses. If you cant figure out the area of a triangle or what
"cation" menas, you DIE! if you cant take down a demon w/ a chainsaw
or kill a hell prince w/ a shotgun, you die! fucking snotty rich
fuckheads [Christians] who rely on others or on
sympathy or to get them through life should be put to this
challenge. plus it would get rid of all the fat, retarded, crippled,
stupid, dumb, ignorant, worthless people of this world, no one is
worthy of this planet only me and whoever I choose. there is just no
respect for anything higher than your fucking boss or
parent. everyone should be shot out into space and only the people I
say should be left behind. 4/12/98
ever wonder why we go to school? besides getting a so called
education. its not to obvious to most of you stupid fucks but for
those who think a little more and deeper you should realize it. its
societies way of taming all the young people into good little robots
and factory workers thats why we sit in desks in rows and go by bell
schedules, to get prepared for the real world cause "thats what its
like" well god damnit no it isnt! one thing that seperates us from
other animals is the fact that we can carry on actual thoughts so
why don't we? people go on day by day rutine shit. why cant we
learn in school how we want to. why cant we sit on desks and on
shelves and put our feet up and relax while we learn? cause thats
not what the "real world is like". well hey fuckheads, there is no
such thing as an actual "real world" its just another word like
justice, sorry, pity, religion, faith, luck and so on. we are humans
if we dont like something we have the fucking ability to change! but
we dont, atleast U dont, I would. U just whine/bitch thoughtout life
but never do a goddamn thing to change anything. "man can eat,
drink, fuck, and hunt and anything else he does is madness" - Based
on Lem's quote. boy oh fuckin boy is that true. when I go NBK
[Natural Born Killers] and people say things like "oh it was so
tragic!" or "oh he is crazy!" or "It was bloody!" I think, so the
fuck what, you think thats a bad thing? just because your mommy and
daddy told you blood and violence is bad, you think its a fucking
law of nature? wrong, only science and math are true, everything,
and I mean every fucking thing else is man made. my doctor wants to
put me on medication to stop thinking about so many things and to
stop getting angry. well, I think that anyone who doesnt think like
me is just bullshitting themselves. try it
sometime if you think you are worthy, which you prolly will you
little shits, drop all your beliefs and views and ideas that have
been burned into your head and try to think about why your
here. but I bet most of you fuckers cant even think that
deep, so that is why you must die. how dare you think that I and you
are part of the same species when we are soooooooo different. you
arent human you are a Robot. you dont take advantage of your
capabilites given to you at birth. you just drop them and hop onto
the boat and headdown the stream of life with all the other fuckers
of your type. well goddamnit I wont be a part of it! I have thought
to much, realized to much, found out to much, and I am to self aware
to just stop what I am thinking and go back to society because what
I do and think isnt "right" or "morally accepted" NO, NO, NO, GOD
FUCKING DAMNIT NO! I will sooner die than betray my own
thoughts. but before I leave this worthless place, I will kill
whoever I deam unfit for anything at all. especially life. and if
you pissed me off in the past, you will die if I see you, because
you might be able to piss off others and have it eventually all blow
over but not me. I dont forget people who wronged me, like [censored] he will never get a chance to
read this because he will be dead by me before this is discovered.
-4/21/98
The human race sucks. human nature is smuthered out by society,
jobs and work and school. instincts are deleted by laws. I see
people say Things that contradict themselves, or people that dont
take any advantage to the gift of human life. They waste their minds
on memorizing the stats of every college basketball player or how
many words should be an a report when they should be using their
brain on more important things. The human race isnt worth fighting
for anymore. WWII was the last war worth fighting and was the last
time human life and human brains did any good any [and] made us
proud. now, with the government having scandals and conspiracies all
over the fucking place and lying to everyone all the time and with
worthless pointless mindless disgraceful TV shows on and with
everyone ub-fucking-sessed with hollywood and beauty and fame and
glamour and politics and anything famous, people just arent worth
saving. Society may not realize what is happening but I have; you go
to school, to get used to studying and learning how youre "supposed
to" so that drains [possibly "draws"] or filters out alittle bit of human
nature; but thats after your parents taught you whats right and
wrong even thought you may think different, you still must follow
the rules. after school you are expected to get a job or go to
college; to have more of your human nature blown out
of your ass, society trys to make everyone act the same by burying
all human nature and instincts. Thats what school laws, jobs,
and parents do, If they realize it or not. and then, then few who
stick to their natural instincts are casted out as psychos or
immature or strangers or just plain different. crazy, strange,
weird, wild, these words are not bad or degrading. if humans were let
to live how we would naturaly it would be chaos and anarchy and the
human race wouldnt probably last that long, but hey guess what,
thats how its supposed to be!!!!! society and government are only
created to have order and calmness, which is exactly the opposite of
sure human nature. take away all your laws and morals and just see
what you can do. if the goverment was one entity it would be thinking
"hey, lets make some order here and calm these crazy fucks down so
we can be constructive and fight other governments in our own little
so called self created "civilizied world" and get rid of all those
damn insticts everyone has" well shit I'm to tired wright anymor
tonight, so until next time, fuck you all -5/6/98
It has been confirmed, after getting my yearboook and watching
people like [censored] and [censored] the human race isn't worth
fighting for, only worth killing. give the Earth back to the
animals, they deserve it infinitely more than we do. nothing means
anything more, most quotes are worthless, especially the rearranged
ones like "dont fight your enemies, make your enemies fight" you
know, quotes that use the same phrase just rearranged, Dumbfuck shit
(illegible) wear, its funny, people say "you shoudln't be so
different." to me, and 1st I say fuck you dont tell me what I should
and shouldn't be and 2ND mother fuckers different is good, I dont
want to be like you or anyone which is almost impossible this day w/
all the little shits trying to be "orginal-copycats", I expect shits
like you to criticize anyone who isnt one of your social words;
"normal" or "civilized" - see: Tempest and Caliban. all you
degrading worthless shits. all caught up and brainwashed into the
90's society. "what? you AREN'T going to college, are you are
crazy!" holy SHIT that is one fucking BIG Quote that just proves my
point. step back and look at yourself fuckers, I dare you, maybe
I'll get lucky and you'll step back to far like Nick in Elms
[possibly "E/M3"]. w/ the same concequences. -5/9/98
wooh, different pen. HA! alright you pathetic fools listen up; I
have figured it out. the human race strives for excellence in life
and community always wanting to bring more =good= into the comm. and
nulify =bad= things, anyone who thinks differently than the majority
or the leaders is deamed "unusual" or weird or crazy. people want to
be apart of something; a family, a service, a club, a union, a
community, whatever. Thats what humans want. who cares waht you as
an individual thinks, you must do what you are told, whether it is
jump of a bridge or drive on the right side of the road. protesters
in the past protested because the human race that was dominant
(Ghandi and the Brits or the king and the americans) wasnt working
out == they had fault == they failed == their ideas didnt work. [the
actual sign used is the congruence: three horizontal bars] humans
dont change that much, they only get better technology to do their
work quckier/easier. people always say we should be racist- why not?
Blacks ARE different, like it or not. They are. they started on the
bottom so why not keep em there. it took the centuries to convince
us that they are equal but they still use their color as an excuse
or they just discriminate us because we are white. Fuck, you should
ship yer black asses back to Afrifuckingca were you came from. we
brought you here and we will take you
back. America=White. Gays....well all gays, ALL gays, should be
killed. mit keine fragen. [without questions. -Ger] lesbians are
fun to watch if they are hot but still, its not human. its a fucking
disease. you dont see bulls or roosters trying to fuck do you? no, I
didn't think so. women you will always be under men. its been seen
throughout nature, males are almost always doing the dangerous shit
while the women stay back. its your animal instincts, deal with it or
commit suicide, just do it quick. thats all for now. -5/20/98
If you recall your history the Nazis came up with a "final
solution" to the Jewish problem... kill them all. well incase you
havent figured it out yet, I say, "K I L L M A N K I N D". no one
should survive. we all live in ties. people are saying they want to
live in a perfect society, well utopia doesnt exist. It is human to
have flaws. you know what, Fuck it. why should I have to explain
myself to you survivors when half of this shit I say you shitheads
wont understand and if you can then woopie fucking do. that just
means you have something to say as my reason for killing. and the
majority of the audience wont even understand my motives either!
they'll say "ah, hes crazy, hes insane, oh well, I wonder if the
bulls won." you see! it's fucking worthless! all you fuckers should
die! DIE! what the fuck is the point if only some people see what I am saying, there
will always be ones who dont, ones that are to dumb or naive or
ignorrant or just plain retarded. If I cant pound it into every
single persons head then it is pointless, fuck mercy fuck justice
fuck morals fuck civilized fuck rules fuck laws. DIE manmade
words...people think they apply to everything when they
dont/cant. theres no such thing as True Good or True Evil, its all
relative to the observer. its just all nature, chemistry, and math,
deal with it. but since dealing with it seems impossible for mankind,
since we have to slap warning labels on nature, then ... you
die. burn, melt, evaporate, decay, just go the fuck away!!!!
YAAAAAH!!!! -6/12/98-
"when in doubt, confuse the hell out the enemy" -Fly 9/2/98
wait, mercy doesnt exist...
heres something to chew on...:today I saw a program on the
discovery channel about satelites and radar and aircraft and stuff,
and at the end of the show the narrator said some things that made
me think "damn, we are so advanced, we kick ass, america is awesome,
we have so many things in our military, we would kick anyones ass."
for a minute I actually had some pride in our nation... then I
realized, "hey this only the Good things that I am seeing here. only
the Pros, not the cons. maybe thats what people see, only the Pros,
and thats why they are under control, but me, I see all... you can
only blind me for so long.["] but alas, I have realized that Yes,
the human race is still indeed doomed. It just needs a few kick
starts, like me, and hell maybe even [Antichrist]. If I can whipe a few cities
off the map, and even the fuckhead Holding the map, then great. hmm,
just thinking if I want ALL humans dead or maybe just the quote -
unquote "civilized developed and known-off" places on Earth. maybe
leave little tribes of natives in the rain forest er something. hmm,
Ill think about that. eh, done for tonight -REB- -6/13/98
As part of the human race, and having the great pleasure of being
blessed with a brain, I can think. Humans can do whatever they
want. There are no laws of nature that prevent humans from making
choices. maybe from actually DOING some of those choices, but not
from making the choices. If a man choosses to speed while driving
home one day, then it is his fault for whatever happens. If he
crashes into a school bus full of kidies and they all burn to death,
its his fault. Its only a tragedy if you think it is, and then its
only a tragedy in your own mind. so
you shouldn't expect others to think that way also. it could also be
a miracle for another person. maybe the bus stopped the car from
plowing into a little old lady walking on the sidewalk, one could
think it was a "miracle" that she wasnt hit. you see, everything and
everything that happens in our world is just that a HAPPENING.
anything else is relative to the observer. but yet we try to have a
"universal law" or "code" of what is good and bad and that just isnt
fucking correct. we shouldn't be allowed to do that. we arent GODS,
just because we are at the top of the food chain with our technology
doesnt mean we can be "judges" of nature. sure we can think what we
can think what we want, but you can "think" and "believe" you can
judge people and nature all you want, but you are still wrong! why
should your morals apply to everyone else. "morals" is just another
word and thats it. I think we are all a waste of natural resources
and should be killed off. and since humans have the ability to
choose... and I'm human... I think I will choose to kill and damage
as much as nature allows me to. so take that, fuck you, and eat napalm
+ lead! HA! only nature can stop me. I know I could get shot by a cop
after only killing a single person, but hey guess the fuck WHAT! I
choose to kill that one person so get over it! Its MY fault! not my
parents, not my brothers, not my friends, not my favorite bands, not
computer games, not the media. IT is MINE! go shut the fuck up!
-REB- 7/29/98
someones bound to say "what were they thinking?" when we go NBK
or when we were planning it, so this what I am thinking. "I have a
goal to destroy as much as possible so I must not be sidetracked by
my feelings of sympathy, mercy, or any of that, so I will force
myself to believe that everyone is just another monster from Doom
like FH [Former Human - mob in Doom] or FS [Former Sergeant] or
demons, so It's either me or them. I have to turn off my feelings."
keep this is mind, I want to burn the world, I want to kill everyone
except about 5 people, who I will name later, so If you are reading
this you are lucky you escaped my rampage because I wanted to kill
you. It will be very tricky getting all of our supplies, explosives,
weapons, ammo, and then hiding it all and then actually planting it
all so we can achieve our goal. but if we get busted any time, we
start killing then and there, just like Wilks from the ALIENS books,
I aint going out without a fight. Once I finally start my killing,
keep this in mind, there are probably about 100 people max in the
school alone who I dont want to die, the rest, MUST FUCKING DIE! If
I didnt like you or if you pissed me off and lived through my
attackes, consider yourself one lucky god damn NIGGER. Pity that a
lot of the dead will be a waste in someways, like dead hot chicks
who were still bitches, they could have been good fucks. oh well,
too fucking bad. life isnt fair... not by a long fuckin shot when Im
at the wheel too. God I want to torch and level everything in this
whole fucking area but Bombs of that size are hard to make, and plus
I would need a fuckin fully loaded A-10 to get every store on
wadsworth and all the buildings downtown. heh, Imagine THAT ya
fuckers, picture half of denver on fire just from me and
Vodka. napalm on sides of skyscrapers and car garages blowing up
from exploded gas tanks....oh man that would be beautiful - 10/23/98
you know what, I feel like telling about lies. I lie alot, almost
constant, and to everybody. just to keep my own ass out of the
water. and by the way I dont think I am doing this for attention, as
some people may think. lets see, what are some big lies I have told,
"yeah I stopped smoking" "for doing it not for getting caught" "no I
havent been making more bombs," "no I wouldn't do that," and course
countless of other ones, and yeah I know that I hate liers and I am
one myself, oh fucking well. Its ok If I am a hypocrite, but no one
else because I am higher then you people, no matter what you say if
you disagree I would shoot you. And I am one racist mother fucker
too, fuck the niggers and spics and chinks, unless they are cool,
but sometimes they are so fucking retarded they deserve to be ripped
on. some people go through life begging to be shot. and white fucks
are just the same. if I could nuke the world I would, because so far
I hate you all. there are prolly around 10 people I wouldnt want to
die. but, who ever said life is fair should be shot like the others
too. - 11/1/98
heh heh heh. I sure had fun this weekend. lets see, what really
happened. before going to the Rock n Bowl we stopped by King Soopers
and me and and [censored] picked up
some big ass stoges. we then went to the Rock n Bowl and I had a few
cigarettes and one of my brand new cigars. we then went back to
[censored] house where her mom had
previousely bought us all a fuck load of liquor. personally I had
asked for Tequilla and Irish cream, Vodka got his Vodka, and there
was beer, whiskey, schnapps, puchers, scotch and of course, orange
juice! so we had some fun there playing cards and making drinks. we
eventually made it to bed at about 5AM got up at 10, ewnt to safeway
got some donuts and then I took Vodka home. the bottle of tequilla
is almost full and is in car, right by my spare tire and right by
the bottle of irish cream. heh heh. I'll have to find a spot for
those. and by the way, this nazi report [his school paper] is
boosting my love of killing even more. like the early Nazi
government, my brain is like a sponge, sucking up everything that
sounds cool and leaving out all that is worthless, thats how Nazism
was formed and thats how I will be too! 11/8/98
Fuck you Brady! all I want is a couple of guns, and thanks to your
fucking bill I will probably not get any! come on, I'll have a clean
record and I only want for personal protection. Its not like I'm
some person who would go on a shooting spree ... fuckers. Ill
probably end up nuking everything and fucking robbing some gun
collectors house. Fuck, thatll be be hard. oh well, just as long as
I kill a lot of fucking people. Everyone is always making fun of me
because of how I look, how fucking weak I am and shit, well I will
get you all back: ultimate fucking revenge here. you people could
have shown more respect, treated me better, asked for knowledge or
guidence more, treated me more like senior and maybe I wouldn't have
been as ready to tear your fucking heads off. Then again, I have
always hated how I looked, I make fun of people who look like me,
sometimes without even thinking sometimes just because I want to rip
on myself. Thats where a lot of my hate grows from. The fact that I
have practically no selfesteem, especially concerning girls and
looks and such. therefore people make fun of me
.. constantly..therefore I get no respect and therefore I get
fucking PISSED as of this date I have enough explosives to kill
about 100 people, and then if I get a couple of bayonets, swords,
axes, whatever I'll be able to kill at least 10 more and that
just isnt enough! GUNS! I need guns! Give me some fucking firearms!
11/12/98
HATE! I'm full of hate and I Love it. I HATE PEOPLE and they
better fucking fear me if they know whats for em. you [I] hate and I guess I want others to know
it. yes I'm racist and I don't mind. Niggs and spics bring it on
themselves, and another thing, I am very racist towards white trash
p.o.s.s [pieces of shit] like [censored] and [censored] they deserve the hatred,
otherwise I probly wouldnt hate them. Its a tragedy, the human
nature of people will lead to their downfall. Peoples human nature
will get them killed. whether by me or Vodka, Its happened and not
just in school shootings like those pussy dumbasses over in
Minnesota who squeeled. [Red
Lake High School massacre] throughtout history, Its our fucking
nature! I know how people are and why and I cant stand it! I love
the nazis too...by the way, I fucking cant get enough of the
swastika, the SS, and the iron cross. Hitler and his head boys
fucked up a few times and it cost them the war, but I love their
beliefs and who they were, what they did, and what they wanted. I
know that form of gov couldn't have lasted long once the human
equation was brought in, but damnit it sure looked good. every form
of gov leads to downfalls, everything will always fuck up or yea
something. its all DOOMED goddamnit. this is beginning to make me
get in a corner. I'm showing too much of myself, my views and
thoughts, people might start to wonder, smart ones will get nosey
and something might happen to fuck me over, I might need to put on
one helluva mask here to fool you all some more. fuck fuck fuck
it'll be very fucking hard to hold out until April. If people would
give me more compliments all of this might still be avoidable.. but
probably not. Whatever I do people make fun of me, and sometimes
directly to my face. I'll get revenge soon enough. fuckers shouldn't
have ripped on me so much huh! HA! then again its human nature to
do what you did... so I guess I am also attacking the human race. I
cant take it, Its not right...true..correct...perfect. I fucking
hate the human equation. Nazism would be fucking great if it werent
for individualism and our natural instinct to ask questions. you
know what maybe I just need to get laid. maybe thatll just change
some shit around. thats another thing, I am a fucking dog. I have
fantasies of just taking someone and fucking them hard and
strong. someone like [censored] were I
just pick her up, take her to my room, tear off her shirt and pants
and just eat her out and fuck her hard. I love flesh..weisses
fleisch! [white flesh -Ger] dein weisses fleisch emegt mich so..Ich
bin dech nr ein gilt! I want to grab a few different girls in my gym
class, take them into a room, pull their pants off and fuck them
hard. I love flesh, the smooth legs, the large breasts, the innocent
flawless body, the eyes, the hair, jet black, blond, white,
brown. ahhh I just want to fuck! call it teenage hormones or call it
a crazy fuckin racist rapist... es ist mir egal. [it is all the same
to me. -Ger] I just want to be surrounded by the flesh of a woman,
someone like [censored] who I wanted
to just fuck like hell, she made me practically drool, when she wore
those shorts to work.. instant hard on.. I couldnt stop staring. and
like [list of names] in my gym class,
[censored] or whatever in my gym
class, and others who I just want to over power and engulf myself in
them. mmmm I can taste the sweet flesh now.. the salty sweat, the
animalistic movement. Icccchhh lieeeebe ....fleiscccchhh. who can I
trick into my room? I can sweep someone off their feet, tell them
what they want to hear, be all nice and sweet, and then "fuck em
like an animal, feel them from the inside" as Reznor said. oh -
thats something else. ..that one NIN video I saw, broken or closer
or something, the where the guy is kidnapped and tortured like
hell..actual hell. I want to do that too. I want to tear a throat
out with my own teeth like a pop can. I want to gut someone with my
hand, to tear a head off and rip out the heart and lungs from the
neck, to stab someone in the gut, shove it up to the heart, and get
the fucking blade out of their rib cage! I want to grab some weak
little freshman and just tear them apart like a fucking wolf. show
them who is god. strangle them, squish their head, bite their
temples into the skull, rip off their jaw. rip off their colar
bones, break their arms in half and twist them around, the lovely
sounds of bones cracking and flesh ripping..ahh so much to do and so
little chances. - 11/17/98
Well folks, today was a very important day in the history of
R. Today along with Vodka and someone else who I wont name, we went
downtown and purchased the following; a double barrel 12ga shotgun,
a pump action 12ga shotgun, a 9mm carbine, 250 9mm rounds, 15 12ga
slugs, 40 shotgun shells, 2 switch blade knives, and total of 4-10
clips for the carbine. we....... have....GUNS! we fucking got em you
sons of bitches! HA! HAHAHAHA! Booga Booga! heh. its all over
now. this capped it off, the point of no return. I have my carbine,
shotgun, ammo and knife all in my trunk tonight and theyll stay
there till tomorrow...after school you know its really a shame. I
had a lot of fun at that gun show, I would have loved it if you were
there dad we could done some major bonding. would have been
great. oh well. but alas, I fucked up and told [censored] about my "flask" that really
disappoints me[censored] I know you
thought it was good for me in the long run and all that shit, smart of
you to give me a such big raise and then rat me out, you figure it
was supposed to cancel each other? goddamn flask, that just fucked
me over bigtime. now you all will be on my ass ever than before
about being on track. Ill get around it though, If have to cheat and
lie to everyone thats fine. THIS is what I am motivated for. THIS
is my goal. THIS is what I want to do with my life! you know whats
weird, I dont feel like a punching through a door of the flask deal,
probly cause I am fucking armed now. I feel more confident,
stronger, and more Godlike, I have confidence in my ability to
deseve people, hopefully Ill make it to April, but that might not
happen. Ugh, Its been a busy weekend, I need to sleep, Ill continue
tomorrow. 11/22/98
yesterday we fired our first actual firearms ever. 3 rounds from the
carbine. taught that ground a thing or 2. I even had the 2 clips in
my pocket while talking to vodkas dad about senior ditch day. God it
felt great firing off that bad boy and hopefully I'll be able to get
more than just 4 clips for it. I dubbed my shotgun "Arlene" after
Arlene Sanders from the DooM books. Shes always did love the
shotgun. Vodka's DB is looking very fucking awesome, all cut down to
the proper lengths. this is a bitch trying to keep up on homework
while working on my guns, bombs, and lying. by the way, I bought
that flask in the mall and I had a friend fill it up w/ scotch
whiskey, only had about 3 swigs in the 3 weeks I had it. plus monday
I gave my T and IC to Vodka, just in case. I never really did like
alcohol, just wasn't my thing, but It felt good to just have
around. That argument on the 22nd was a real bitch, but I think I
should have won a fucking oscar. I even quoted a few movies,
remember, "what the hell am I doing here man?! What am I gonna
do!?" thats good ole Hudson from aliens. Sounded good too and hey
goddamnit I would have been a fucking great marine. It would have
given me a reason to do good and I would never drink and drive
either. It will be weird when we actually go on the
rampage. hopefully we will have plenty of clips and bombs. Im gonna
still try and get my calico 9mm. just think, 100 rounds without
reloading....hell yeah! We actually may have a chance to get some
machine pistols thanks to the Brady bill. If we can save up about
2000 real quick and find someone who is 21+ we can go to the next
gun show and find a private dealer and buy ourselves some bad-ass
AB-10 machine pistols. Clips for those things can get really fucking
big too. 12/3/98
Woohoo, I'll never have to take a final again! feels good to be
free. I just love Hobbes and Nietzche. Well tomorrow I'll be
ordering 9 more 10 round clips for my carbine. I'm gonna be so
fucking loaded in about a month. the big things we need to figure
now is the time bombs for the commons and how we will get them in
and leave them there to go off, without any fucking jews finding
them. I wonder if anyone will write a book on me. sure is a ton of
symbolism, double meanings, themes, appearance vs reality shit going
on here. oh well, it better be fuckin good if it is
writtin. 12/17/98
hey get this. KMFDM's new album is entitled "Adios" and it's
released dates in April. how fuckin appropriate, a subliminal final
"Adios" tribute to Reb and Vodka, thanks KMFDM... I ripped the hell
out the system 12/20/98
jesus christ that was fucking close. fucking shitheads at the gun
shop almost dropped the whole project. oh well, thank good I can BS
so fucking well. I went and picked up those babies Today, so now I
got 13 of those niggers. WooHAH. the stereo is very nice, but having
no insurance payments to worry about so I could concentrate of BOMBS
would have been better. oh well, I think I'll have enough, now I
just need to get Vodka another gun. 12/29/98
Months have passed. Its the first Friday night in the final
month. much shit has happened. Vodka has a Tec 9, we test fired all
of our babies, we have 6 time clocks ready, 39 crickets, 24 pipe
bombs, and the napalm is under construction. Right now I'm trying to
get fucked and trying to finish off these time bombs. NBK came
quick. why the fuck cant I get any? I mean, I'm nice and considerate
and all that shit, but noooo. I think I try to hard. but I kinda
need to considering NBK is closing in. The amount of dramatic irony
and foreshadowing is fucking amazing. Everything I see and I hear I
incorporate into NBK somehow. Either bombs, clocks, guns, napalm,
killing people, any and everything finds some tie to me. feels like
a Goddamn movie sometimes. I wanna try to put some mines and trip
bombs around this town too maybe. Get a few extra flags on the
scoreboard. I hate you people for leaving me out of so many fun
things. And no don't fucking say, "well thats your fault" because it
isnt, you people had my phone #, and I asked and all, but no. no no
dont let the weird looking Eric KID come along, ohh fucking
nooo. 4/3/99